Bitter as the Sun
by Crimson1
Summary: Goku POV drabble. Goku sees that he has pegged Sanzo wrong. In honor of Sanzo being such a royal prick. 93 and implied 85 coz it's me. R&R!


I guess I can say with pretty accurate certainty that I've loved him from the start. From that first sight of him coming to get me in the cave. But it's not enough to love him. What I want is for him to show some sign, any sign, of not necessarily loving me back, but of at least caring that I exist. I want to wake up and know I have something precious because HE finds ME precious. I want him to need me. I want him to need me like I need him. I want to be loved, safe and warm like I'm drifting on a cloud of marshmallow fluff, and that cloud is Sanzo, perfect, and comforting, and delicious, and heavenly. My savior. My every last breath. My sun.

Yeah, I'm pretty pathetic. But I'm not the only one who worships the sun. We all have something we couldn't live without. But I want more than just the dream of something; I want to be worshiped in return. I want someone to look at me the way...the way Kougaiji looks at Yaone, or Hakkai looks at Gojyo, or Homura used to look at...me. I could've been imagining it, I guess, but I really think he had a bit of a thing for me. Maybe if I had chosen to join him when he offered, he would have made a move. I think the reason he never did was because he knew...he knew he couldn't replace the sun. I guess that's what you do when you really care for someone; you love them enough to give them up. I don't know if he loved me or anything, but...but he cared enough to acknowledge my existence, which is more than I can say for Sanzo. But I could never give up Sanzo. If that means I don't love him enough, then...well...to hell with it! I'm selfish and I want the sun to shine for me...all for me...even if only for a moment.

Would he even care if I was suddenly...just...gone?

"Goku, is everything all right?"

Hakkai. Only he would ask so politely and actually want to receive an answer. He's also the only one who calls me by my name. To Sanzo and Gojyo I'm just saru, or baka, or chibi, or gaki, or some combination of the above. I don't really mind all that much, but...it would be nice to hear Sanzo say my name once in a while.

"Goku?"

He's worried now.

"You didn't eat much at dinner. Please tell me what's wrong."

"It's nothing, Hakkai." I lie. I've gotten so good at it lately. "Just feeling a little overheated today. Too much sun, ya know?" More like not enough.

"Aa. Well, take good care of yourself tonight then. Get some extra sleep and drink plenty of water. We wouldn't want you passing out during a youkai attack, now would we?"

He smiles and leaves the room. I'm supposed to be sharing with Sanzo. I used to always room with Gojyo, but ever since he and Hakkai got more...friendly...things have changed. It hasn't been very long, but in all honesty, I miss that damn kappa. Being with Sanzo almost hurts as much as being away from him.

I can smell him coming—a thicker scent than Gojyo. I can hear him coming, the confident 'get-the-hell-out-of-my-way' walk he has, clipping along sharply. He speaks briefly with Hakkai—he knows about Hakkai and Gojyo, but as always believes it isn't his business—and then I know he is almost to the room. A moment later...

"Damn saru. You better not keep me up with your annoying rambling."

I want to hit him. He hurts me every time he opens his mouth and he couldn't care less. I pout as expected and stand defiantly. "I don't ramble! Why do you have to yell at me before I've even said anything?"

"Hn. I know what to expect. I've had the misfortune of living with you."

Now I really want to hit him. He sits on the bed closest to the door, his robes hanging about his hips, and lies down, cigarette still in his mouth. He turns so that he is facing away from me, leaving only the trail of smoke that continues to swirl upwards as a sign he is still awake. He will do everything he can to avoid talking to me, so I don't even bother trying to talk to him. I turn to the other bed, strip off all unnecessary clothing, and climb under the covers. I reach over and turn off the small lamp on the table between the beds and lie back, staring at the ceiling.

_'He doesn't love me,'_ I think. _'He'd be happier if I just curled up and died. He'd be happier if it was just Hakkai and Gojyo with him. Well, if it was just Hakkai maybe, or if Gojyo couldn't talk. But me...he doesn't even see me anymore, like I'm already gone and he doesn't miss me at all.'_

Not the happiest of thoughts, I know, but I don't have much to be happy about lately. Gojyo can be a real prick, but I can tell he cares. You don't bicker the way we do unless it's brotherly love, believe me. And Hakkai is the greatest. He'd probably even admit openly that he loves us all. But Sanzo...I thought he saved me because he wanted to, because he felt the same connection I felt for him, but maybe it really was just to get me to shut up, and the only reason he took me with him was because he felt obligated.

Pathetic. That's what this is. What I am. What every thought I have of him is.

A few muffled noises begin to fill my adept ears, interrupting my thoughts. Internally, I groan. I know exactly what it is I am hearing. Sometimes, if our room is next to Gojyo and Hakkai's and the walls are thin enough--like tonight--I can hear them. Sanzo can't, but my senses are sharper than his. I can hear them. Movement. Friction. Pleasure. Pain. Agreement. Pleading from one for the other to stop or do more. I can almost picture them--red and brown, red and green, tan against pale skin. I bet they're beautiful together. Perfect compliments of each other. I am so happy for them. Honestly. I couldn't be more jealous, but...my way of envying refuses to let me hate them for it. It's not their fault I can't have what they have.

I turn my head to stare at Sanzo's well-muscled back. I catch my breath and swallow back any reaction to the sight of him, something that gets harder every day, and close my eyes, wondering what it would be like to be held in those arms. What I wouldn't give...

Poor me, right? Forever trapped by unrequited love. And I know I will never leave him, as much as it hurts me to stay. And if he ever left me...I know I couldn't survive without him. Yes, poor me. Poor, pathetic, stupid me.

_'I love you, Sanzo. Why...why don't you love me...?'_

-----

My cheeks are wet. My body is trembling. My eyes are still closed and all I can see is black. Still, distantly I remember where I am. Or, at least, where I am supposed to be. We are in an inn, me in my room with Sanzo, on my bed, where I had recently been asleep. My throat feels dry and hoarse as if I had tried unsuccessfully many times to scream. I must have been dreaming.

I take inventory again. Cheeks: wet. Body: trembling. Eyes: closed. In bed: safe and alone. Safe. Alone? Am I alone? I'm still crying, still shaking, but...but I am not alone in bed. Someone is with me; warm hands soothing down my back. I can hear a voice, someone speaking softly beside my ear. And...I am speaking, too. Mumbling. Saying...

"Sanzo...don't leave me...please don't ever leave me...I need you..."

"Shhh..."

"Sanzo...Sanzo..."

"Urusei...baka...yume da..."

Sanzo? Just a dream? Yes, it was just a dream. Are you...?

"Quit shaking and crying like a baby...wake up...you're fine..."

"Sanzo...?" I think I'm awake now.

"...hai."

I open my eyes—slowly. I'm facing the back of the room where there is a small window. The room is dark, still night. And...Sanzo is sitting on the bed behind me, one hand on my shoulder, the other still running along the small of my back. He is leaning down close so that he can whisper in my ear, not wanting to be too loud in case we have picky neighbors.

_'If Hakkai and Gojyo hear us and wake up, it'll only be fair,'_ I think with a weak, sour smile. My head is still spinning. I can't remember what I dreamed.

I try my best to stabilize my breathing and stop shaking. It takes me many minutes. I wonder if I subconsciously take longer than need be if only to keep Sanzo's hands where they are for as long as possible. After I know I have waited almost too long, I turn my head to look at him in the dark. Knowing he is there does not make seeing him any less jarring.

He is so close, his breath on my face, his hands still soothing, his presence so...so welcome and so perfect. I should be finished crying, but a few more tears slip down anyway.

"I thought I told you to knock it off." He says in a coarse whisper, pulling back a little. Damn. I liked him that close. "I knew you'd find a way to keep me up, stupid monkey. Since when do you have nightmares? I thought you'd grown out of that."

I don't know what to say, so I just stare. His eyes are a deep indigo in the shadows, but his hair still looks like gold. Like the sun he will always be for me. I still want to hit him, but a part of me wants to kiss him first.

"Weak." He says with a sneer. "I only want you with me if you can take care of yourself. I don't need a child."

That does it. The magic is gone. "I'm not a child!" I yell. Who cares about the neighbors? "You treat me like one, but I'm not! Like I can choose not to have bad dreams! You're the one who gives them to me!"

He pulls away completely then, soothing hands and all, but as much as I miss them, I feel validated. Everything is his fault. Every horrible emotion I suffer with is on his conscience. After all, he's the one who taught me how to feel.

I think I've surprised him, which is something I haven't done in years. Oh I complain and yell back often enough, but seldom with any real ammunition.

"Don't blame your nightmares on me." He growls. "What do I have to do with them?"

As if you don't know. Suddenly, all I want is to hit him again, just once. "Who else would I dream about?" Cryptic. Good for me.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He is off the bed in a flash, standing between them now. His robes have been tossed aside completely, probably on a chair I don't care to search for at the moment, or hidden in the closet.

"You know I was dreaming about you, Sanzo. I was calling for you."

This fact is obvious enough to both of us, but even when I was a real gaki those first years we had together and I had nightmares all the time calling for him not to leave me, we never spoke openly about what it meant, what I was saying. I'm breaking the rules now and I don't care. It's about time he got a taste of what that feels like.

"I'm always calling for you, Sanzo, but you don't hear me."

He tenses. He's uncomfortable. Good. "Of course I hear you. I came and woke you up, didn't I?"

"That's not what I mean and you know it. I'm calling for YOU, but you don't hear because you don't care. If you woke up one morning to find me gone, you wouldn't think twice about it. But if I woke up without YOU...I'd...I don't know what I'd do..."

"You'd survive. You'd live. You'd move on and forget about me. It's simple enough."

"For you. But you know I wouldn't be able to do that. Everything dies without the sun."

"Urusai!" I'm pushing his limits. Good for me. GOOD for ME. He's pushed mine long enough. "I'm not anyone's sun! I live only for myself. We all do. Bound by nothing--"

"Damn it, don't give me that bullshit, Sanzo! None of us are living only for ourselves, and you know it!" Gojyo and Hakkai must be awake by now, no matter how worn out they made themselves earlier. "More than just ourselves, we're at least living for each other. The rest of us are, anyway. Why is that so hard? Why is it so terrible? Why...why can't you let me live for you?"

"Live for whatever you want! I don't care what it is!"

"Then what's your problem!?!"

"When you die for me!"

Shit. I wasn't expecting that. "...what? Die? You think I'm going to die?"

Suddenly, he looks terrified. The great Sanzo-sama looks scared beyond all holy reason. "I...I don't need someone hanging on me...who can't take care of themselves."

"Sanzo..."

"Don't live for me. Live for you."

"Sanzo, I..."

"If you live for yourself then you will always protect yourself first. But if you live for someone else...you'll be willing to risk yourself for them..."

"Sanzo..."

"...and...and it's the person left behind who has to deal with the sacrifice you made. The sacrifice you made out of love, out of living for someone else. It's...it's just plain selfish in the end. Selfish and stupid!"

I can't take my eyes off him. He looks...so different this way, open and vulnerable, and hating every minute of it. I like it.

"That's why I live for me and no one else...and why you should do the same. It's safer. It's better. It's the way things have to be."

Yes. Yes, I understand now. For the first time, I understand why Sanzo is the way he is. But that doesn't mean I can let him get away with it. "No, Sanzo. It's not better and it sure as hell isn't how I'm going to live my life. When an enemy goes after you, I will always be there to stand in and take the blow. And if it costs me my life, then I'm sorry for being selfish, and I'm sorry if you're left behind, but I'm going to do it anyway."

"You idiot monkey..."

"Yes, I am! I'm an idiot. And I'm going to keep being an idiot, living for you, and I'll die for you if I have to. Better that...than having just some...dumb...annoying monkey to believe in. Because that's all I have if I don't have the sun. If I don't have...you..."

Damn. I'm crying again. I didn't even get those last words out. I'm crying and miserable, tangled in the sheets as I sit up I bed, staring at a man I will love till the day I die, even if I have to die for him. Even if...he never loves me back. Because...because that's just how it is.

I can see the wheels turning in his head as he debates what to say to rebuke me. There is a part of him that is desperate to think of something to say to get his point across, but I know he knows I'm right. Better to have loved and lost and all that shit, because if you have, then at least life had meaning for a moment, even if a moment was all it was.

"I won't die for you." He says suddenly, as if he can challenge me into backing down.

"I'd beat you to it anyway."

"I won't chant any sutras for you if you're stupid enough to get killed."

"I wouldn't want you to."

"I won't comfort you and laugh with you and make everything better."

But you do. Just being there is a comfort, and you laugh once in a while, even if it's at mine or other's expense, and you DO always make everything better, because it's the sun's job to clear the clouds away.

So...I just nod. And smile. And my renewed tears fade away as we stare, not knowing what to do next. Finally, I just lie down, scooted far enough over to be just enough. I say nothing, but I can see those gears spinning again as he decides if I'm worth it.

Well, since he's climbing in next to me, I guess I am.

Owari

-----

A/N:

Okay. Don't really know where this came from. Sanzo is a prick. Goku is adorable. I've written a lot of GojyoxHakkai lately. So...here you go. Please review and let me know if my randomness made any sense and if it was worth writing. Love you all, as always, and see ya next ficcie!

Crimson


End file.
